


Honest

by aerynthesebacean



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, I'm so sorry for this, M/M, Sad, Suicide, don't hate me, just really sad, tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-31
Updated: 2015-01-31
Packaged: 2018-03-09 20:19:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3263087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aerynthesebacean/pseuds/aerynthesebacean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is inspired by the song Honest by The Neighbourhood. I hope that a) it's good and b) if it is good, nobody's heart breaks reading it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Honest

Patience.

Everything tested my patience. Every word from a S.H.I.E.L.D agent or a goddamn journalist. I used to be patient, when things were right, when nothing had gone wrong. When I hadn't lost _everything_. Everything had been wonderful, days passed blissfully, the bright colours dancing through my memories. A time when only one thing mattered to me, and I was so damn grateful that he was there. But I took it for granted. I took him for granted; and he was ripped away from me.

He never told me that anything was wrong, that anything was too hard for him, I always knew he had a problem adjusting to the nightmares, the constant stares of strangers, but I never thought that he found it so hard. I never thought that it got to him. I knew that he still had nightmares. If only he'd _told_ me the truth, I would've been able to help. I would've said anything, I would've said I was wrong about them, wrong about the nightmares, just to hear him talk to me. He was so silent.

I would've said anything to fill the silent space around our nightmares.

I waited for him to tell me, because I couldn't force him to talk. Maybe if I'd given him control then we could have saved it, saved what we had. Maybe I could have saved him. I said

_I hope you find a way_

_To be yourself someday_

_In weakness or in strength_

_Change can be amazing_

I prayed for him, I prayed for the best, I prayed that he would tell me what demons hid behind his eyes. We'd been so close, I wanted to know why our love changed like the leaves that shriveled and died and left nothing but the hollow corpse of the bright colours we once shared. Never once had we been like this, we had been so close; we told each other everything; there was nothing to hide. What went wrong?

I wished that he was honest with me. Then I could have said goodbye.

Our relationship was perfect. We were both so happy, but he wanted to get away from his past, everything he had been, everything he'd hated. He chased new dreams, dreams I did my best to help him reach, when I tried and he turned to face me with a smile on his lips, his eyes betrayed him. His eyes told me the truth, how disappointed he was in me. Every time I tried to help it was the same look in his eyes, and each time it stung; eyes that had once made me feel nothing but love were now made me question everything. Why did he stick around? Why did he stay with me? Why did he try and fake it? I _knew_ things weren't the same. His eyes were only filled with disappointment, it scared me, they missed the one thing they'd always had. The desire to live.

Sometimes it looked like he was going to tell me, his hands would clench before they ran through his hair and his mouth would be slightly open, the words hanging on the edge of his lips. The hesitation killed him. It killed me too. I would urge him to say what so desperately wanted to leave his lips, to try and fix what was broken. But I couldn't. I couldn't save it. I said

_I_ _hope you find a way_

_To be yourself some day_

_In weakness or in strength_

_Change can be amazing_

I wished that he was honest. If he had been, it wouldn't have been as hard.

I wouldn't have come home to find-

To find what I did. The lifeless body of the person I loved lying twisted on the floor. The aspirin bottle rested empty in his hand, his other arm at such an angle which told me what I feared. His cheeks were red and stained with tears that shone in the light of our apartment, the tears were wet. My vision hazed and I could only focus on his corpse. I don't remember walking over to him, but I was knelt beside him, closing his lifeless eyes. This is what his eyes had told me. This is what was hanging on the edge of his lips. He didn't want to tell me in case I ruined his plans, he knew I would do everything to try and help. My body filled with pain, so much pain, it was better than feeling numb. Better than not being able to feel anything, to feel even a fraction of what he felt every single day, the desperation to end it all, the guilt of not telling me, it weighed him down, filled his nightmares; and I was oblivious to it.

The pain I felt was overwhelming, I'd almost lost him once, and I was so glad to have him back, I promised I'd never lose him again, I made a promise I couldn't keep.

Those are the worst kind.

The march of time had suddenly halted. The heavy stamp that charged through our romance had stopped in silent salute of my soldier. It was agony to think that all our time together had passed so quickly, so quickly that in that moment all the memories became one so intense and so bright that I was blinded. But his body was still there, taunting me in a frozen time frame. Whispering that I had lost everything that I loved. The only thing that mattered.

That was the moment I realised he was human. Too human. His human thoughts had gotten the better of him and taken him away from me. He had been so blissful in my presence, so contented, but he wasn't honest with me. He couldn't be honest with me. How I wish he had been. In the frozen time, I saw a slip of paper resting next to the aspirin bottle, the scrawled, barely legible writing made my heart sink even lower. It said

_I hope you find a way_

_To be yourself someday_

_In weakness or in strength_

_Change can be amazing._

_This was the change I needed._

_You can be yourself without me, Buck_

_You can be everything you wanted to be._

The words burned into my brain as I looked at his body once again, the dark circles under his eyes let me know the nightmares had won. They had beaten him. The indestructible hero. The nation's favourite patriot. Captain America. Steve Rogers.  _My_ _Steve._ All of the colours faded to grey, I couldn't even see the blonde of his hair. I crumpled the awful piece of paper against my metal hand, wanting it to disappear out of existence. To bring back what I had lost so quickly. 

I wish that he'd been honest.


End file.
